Brain Tumors and the Holidays: Coping, Boundaries, and Meaningful Connection

The holidays are often shown as a season that is only happy. But real life is not that simple, especially when you are living with a brain tumor or caring for someone who is. The holiday season can bring many emotions at once. You might feel grateful and sad. You might feel close to family and also feel tired, worried, or left out. If this sounds like you, your feelings make sense.

In an ABTA webinar about brain tumors and the holidays, clinical psychologist Dr. Elise Heidelberg shared ideas that can help patients, survivors, and caregivers. Her message was clear. You can make space for hard feelings and still find moments of joy. You can keep what matters most and let go of what matters less. You can also set boundaries that protect your well-being.

Why the holidays can feel harder after a brain tumor diagnosis

Strong emotions show up during the holidays because the holidays matter. They are tied to memories, family traditions, and hopes for the future. When a brain tumor enters the picture, those feelings often get bigger.

A brain tumor can bring a sense of loss. You may grieve a person you loved. You may also grieve the life you had before diagnosis. You might miss past traditions, your old energy, or the feeling of safety you used to have. Some people also feel anticipatory grief, which means you worry about future losses that may happen.

The holidays can also increase stress because they bring reminders of the past while also pushing you to think about the future. You may notice thoughts like, “I do not feel like celebrating,” or “I wish I could skip the holiday.” These thoughts can be part of grief. They are not a sign you are doing anything wrong.

Family dynamics can also add pressure. During the holidays, people often spend more time together. That means more chances for old family patterns to show up. If you are already tired, in treatment, or adjusting to a new normal, those dynamics can feel even heavier.

Uncertainty is a common holiday feeling with brain tumors

One emotion that many people with brain tumors know well is uncertainty. During the holidays, uncertainty can become louder. You might not know what a scan will show. You might not know if treatment plans will change. You might not know how you will feel day to day.

This uncertainty can affect patients, survivors, and caregivers. If you are in active treatment, you may be trying to balance medical needs with holiday plans. If you are in survivorship, you may still be learning what your new normal looks like. Some survivors also feel survivor’s guilt, especially during a season focused on family and togetherness. If you are a caregiver, you might grieve the losses your loved one is facing while also trying to hold the family together.

No matter where you are in the brain tumor experience, the goal is not to force yourself into a “perfect holiday.” The goal is to care for your body and mind, and to build a season that fits your reality.

Step one: name your emotions instead of fighting them

A helpful first step is to acknowledge what you feel. Emotions, even unpleasant ones, carry information. They can point to what matters most to you. When you allow yourself to notice emotions, you often make more room for moments of peace and connection.

You may feel grief, worry, anger, relief, or even numbness. You may also feel joy at the same time. That is not strange. Joy and sorrow can exist together. Many people experience the holidays as a “spectrum of joy and sorrows,” and that can be especially true during illness.

Try giving yourself permission to feel what you feel, without judging it. Some days might be heavy. Some days might surprise you with a good moment. Both can be true.

Rest is not a luxury, it is a holiday plan

When you are dealing with a brain tumor, rest becomes even more important. The holidays can tempt you to do everything, attend every event, and keep up with old expectations. But you do not have to.

One helpful mindset is this: let go of what matters less so you have space for what matters most. That does not mean you are quitting forever. It means you are choosing where your energy goes right now.

If you are unsure what to cut back on, think about the parts of the season that bring you the most meaning. Those are the pieces to protect. Everything else is optional.

It can also help to talk with your medical team about your holiday hopes. If there is an important date or event, bring it up. Sometimes your care team can help you plan in a way that supports your health and your life.

Ask for help and let people show up

Many people see the holidays as a season of giving. That can be a good time to let others give to you.

If you need help cooking, shopping, wrapping gifts, cleaning, driving, or hosting, it is okay to ask. If you are a caregiver, you may also need support. You might ask someone to handle a meal, run errands, or help manage family communication.

Support is not only practical. Emotional support matters too. Spend time with people who build you up. Talk to someone you trust. If you need more support, consider reaching out to a counselor, social worker, or support group.

Use your values as a compass for the season

Dr. Heidelberg described values as the things that are most important to you. Values are not the same as goals. A goal is something you can check off a list. A value is more like a direction you want to live by, like a compass.

For example, if gratitude is a value, you might ask, “How can I act in a grateful way today?” If connection is a value, you might ask, “What is one way I can feel close to someone, even if it is small?”

During the holidays, it can help to reflect on these questions:
– How do I want to spend my time this season?
– What am I hoping for?
– What am I worried about?

Hopes and worries often point to what matters most. If your hope is to feel connected, your worry might be feeling left out. That pairing tells you connection is a key value this season. Once you know that, you can plan around it.

Acceptance means willingness, not liking it

The word “acceptance” can feel upsetting, because it can sound like you are supposed to be okay with something that is not okay. That is not what acceptance means here.

In this context, acceptance means willingness. It means asking, “Am I willing to tolerate something hard in service of something that matters to me?”

For example, you might be willing to wear a mask at an event to protect your health so you can still attend. You might be willing to hear a few awkward questions in order to spend time with family, even if you choose not to answer those questions.

This kind of acceptance does not erase grief. It simply helps you move toward your values.

Adjust traditions without losing what they mean

When you cannot do things the way you used to, it helps to ask what makes a tradition meaningful.

• • Is it the place?

• • Is it the people?

• • Is it the food?

• • Is it the feeling of being together?

Once you know the “why,” you can often change the “how.” Maybe hosting becomes ordering a meal instead of cooking. Maybe travel becomes a virtual dinner call. Maybe decorating becomes one small corner instead of the whole house.

If finances are tight because of treatment costs, you can still create meaning. Many families find that shared experiences matter more than gifts. Reading a book together, watching a favorite movie, driving to see holiday lights, or doing a simple at-home tradition can still feel special. If you have kids, you can also explain changes in a way that fits their age, with honesty and care.

Boundaries protect your well-being

Boundaries are personal limits that protect your mental and physical health. They also reflect how you want to be treated.

During the holidays, boundaries often matter even more because people spend more time together, and sometimes act like “normal rules” do not apply. But your needs still matter.

When setting a boundary, it can help to share what you need instead of only saying what you do not want. You might say, “I need a quiet place to rest during the visit,” or “I need to leave by 7 pm,” or “I am not discussing treatment details today.”

It can also help to identify someone who can support your boundaries. This might be a partner, sibling, friend, or caregiver who can step in if you get overwhelmed.

If others do not understand your boundaries, remind yourself that you are setting them to protect your health. Give yourself grace. This is not always easy, and it often takes practice.