Unbreakable Love

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March 31, 2014 - Plano, Texas, Texas

Hi, My name is Vianka. I recently lost my mother to terminal glioblastoma. You would've never known that my mother had this horrible illness. She was sweetness, most kind & generous person I know. My mom was diagnosed with brain cancer at about a stage 2 in 2007. She never told me or anyone in our family. I think she just wanting a quality life rather then thinking of quantity. Little by little I noticed she would get tired. She went from having a fulltime job to a part time job. I'll never forget the day she showed up to my house in tears. Looking back, I know that was the day she was diagnosed. With tears in her eyes I know all she wanted was for me to embrace her and support her. I know this may seem silly being that I had no clue. But she didn't tell for several reasons. I know she didn't want me to worry or feel grief or sorrow. She was an amazing person. Full of joy, spiritual, never gave hope on God. But I ask myself everyday why she never told me. On May 7, 2014, I was called from my mothers cell phone. Me thinking it was mom, I brushed the call off and then 10 minutes later got another call. I answered the phone to hear a fireman telling me that they were rushing my mom to Presby Plano. I ran out of the office to find her in Emergency Room confused. She didn't know where she was and very delusional. She was scared. Everyone was thinking she was crazy. While being at the emergency room I was told they were taking her in for a cat scan. I told her everything was going to be ok. Id be waiting for her till she came back. When they finished the scan they brought her back. At this time it was already close to 4pm and my 15 year old son was fixing to get home from school. I got close to my mom told her I would be right back. While I was gone another fifteen minutes later I got another call. It was from the Surgeon that was handling my mothers illness. He asked me if I was driving, I replied that I wasn't. I stopped at the grocery store to get my son something to eat. He asked me to sit down. It was then my heart jumped into my throat within seconds. He mentioned that the results from the cat scan came back with something in my mother's brain. He told me that he was going to have to do an MRI to see what was really going on. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I got there they had already taken her in. They brought her back and said they found a full mass on the right side of her brain. That was malignant. At that time I had no clue what he was telling me. I had no feeling at this point. I felt like as if our life was flashing before my eyes. I couldn't help but cry. The surgeon was the most amazing man. He gave me a hug and told me that he didn't want to tell what he had to tell me. But my mother only about 6-12 months to live. He was going to do emergency surgery to remove what he could of the tumor to relieve a lot of the pain. At this point I didn't know what to do. I was so scared, shocked and angry all at the same time. But I had to stay calm and make sure that when I was around her she thought that everything was okay. Lying to her was the hardest thing to do. I tried lying to myself thinking that this was all a dream and it was happening. That didn't work either. Day two came and my mom was more and more scared and frustrated. Asking me to take her home. Saying that she would behave and do anything I asked if I would bring her home. I wanted to so bad. But there was nothing I could do. I tried to comfort her as much as possible and tell her everything was going to fine. Just to be patient. Day Three came 7am the surgeon came in and said Mrs. Gonzalez its time. I went back into the room with my mom and told her that there was something in her head that was causing her severe headaches that the doctor was going to go in and fix. She had the most saddened face. The fear grew stronger and she would let go of my hand. She got so resistant that I asked everyone to leave for a moment. So I could have a moment with my mother. I got down beside and her said that we are going to pray. She smiled and said ok. For what. I told her for divine healing. That god was going to restore her mind fully back to the way she was before. Knowing that I knew she didn't have much time left. I wanted to make it the most fulfilling and happiest moments I could share with her. I kissed her fore head and told her its going to be okay. They are going to help her feel better. She smiled with tears in her eyes said okay little bird I love you. Then the surgeon came in and told her everything was going to be okay. She just a little bump in her head that caused her act a little goofy but he was going to make it all better. My mom laughed and said okay. As long as she could go with me after. She would cooperate. Hours had gone by I called my grandmother told her what was happening. She immediately got on a plane and I went to pick her up. By the time we got back to the parking lot of the hotel the surgeon called and told me that she did really well and was now being taken to ICU. She was even talking. Days had gone by and my mom was getting frustrated. I tried not to show my frustrations with everything happening. Bills piling up, medicines that needed to be taken all the time. Tantrums that she would have that she even yelled and tried to leave the hospital. After three weeks, the doctor told me within days that she would ready to come home. My grandmother still here was just as tired as I was. Spending days and nights at the hospital then me going to the office trying to work and relieve myself of all the stress was the only thing I could do to get away for a while. Stressing of who would care for her while I was at work at this point was my biggest fear. I started making calls and trying to obtain all the help I could. Even days before releasing her I demanded the doctors and nurses try to find me some kind of help so I could make sure that she was cared for. The surgeon called me hours later and told me that he wanted to pay for a month of home care for my mom at the time that she was released to help until I could find her a stable home that I could take her to where she would safe while I was at work. I started crying thanking god at this moment because some of the stress I feared was taken away for just a little while. He also told me that a radiation company donated free treatment for my mom at no cost to me. Again thankful and glad that she was just coming home was all I could think of. The day of release. I went to pick her up. She was so happy. Walking talking, asking for her favorite starbucks coffee was all she could think of. All I wanted to do was make her happy at this point. My grandmother and now uncle at this point were there to greet her bring her home and make her comfortable. She was happy. She just wanted to be home with me and my children. Some what delusional and still having her mood changes she was very frustrated worried about bills and her things. I told her not worry and to lay down. I tried to give her meds every morning. She was resistant. She then knew that the meds were making her drowsy and a little groggy. So she would resist even more. Weeks gone by and I was running out of medications and only one week left for my mom to have home care. My grand mother was so worn out. Bless her heart. She is such a strong woman. 80 years old and still very independent. Was catching up with her. I asked my grandmother to take sometime off and go back home and I would let her know how she was doing. With this last I tried everything I could to get her medications filled. Even paid rent late several time to make sure that she was cared for. I finally called adult protective services crying with so much disbelief that I would have no one to care for my mother and she would not have the medicines she needs to make it thru with no pain. The nicest lady called me back almost an hour later. Told me Vianka, I have made arrangement for your mother to receive free medications until my mothers benefits kicked in. She even threw several locations to help me find her a home. We finally found her a quiet cozy home that was willing to help me care for her. At this point it was now June. Time was going by so fast. Days got longer and longer. I would literally go to work every morning leave work at the end of the day to go home grab my kids and spend the whole night with my mom till she fell asleep. And again every day after that the same for almost two months. Until the last week I noticed my mom finally was opening up to me. Telling me things that I never heard before. I knew the time was getting closer. Mothers Day came one sunday morning. I woke up went to the store bought her beautiful flowers along with a crème brulee. Showing up the room, my mom was already bathed and clean smelling beautifully. She smiled when we walked thru the door. I hadn't seen my mom this happy in so long. For once I got to see her happy after all the mess she has been thru. Years of pain and hurt of not saying what she went thru had to have been the hardest thing to do. I couldn't ask for a better mother. When she wanted us to be close all the years I pushed her away. Not only did God help me find comfort with this whole thing but find comfort with her. My relationship with her grew stronger and stronger. Three days went by and then nights and then the last day I showed up to the room. Her eyes were glassy. She couldn't speak and all she could do was look at me. I knew it was coming. I didn't want to leave the home at all that night. I didn't want to have that guilty feeling of knowing that if I left she would pass and I wouldn't be there. Hospice came in and gave her a breathing machine. At this point she was breathing very slow. All I could was tell My son and daughter to talk to her tell how they feel. How much they love her and that everything was going to be okay. When she got better that she would come home. My mother was a wedding corrdinator and floral designer. So flowers always made her smile. The last night I came after work, my son and daughter grandmother and aunt were there. Talking to her, bringing her flowers and telling her we love her. I got an idea. I grabbed my phone and looked up some praise music she would listen too on Saturdays from synagogue. My son then brought his tallit and covered her with it. We prayed the Psalms 91. Then played the music she loved. She then had tears running down her face. The only emotion I was able to see she gave me. I knew that she was happy. She was content and she was okay at coming to terms that she knew it was time. That night I left the home at midnight giving her hugs and kisses and told her I see her the next day. I asked her to wait for me. The following morning at 10:30am I got a call from the nursing home telling me it was time and she is starting to transition into new life she would go to. I left work came straight to the home. I took my son and my daughter. My aunt rushing from out of town telling me that she was coming and to wait for her. We both get there at the same time. we walk into the room. I knew that this was going to be the last time that I would be able to tell my mother I loved her and that we would be okay. The moment I told her a comment during hard times growing up. she gasped for air. It wasn't her last but it was close. I told her mom I give you all my power. And everything is going to be okay. She doesn't have to worry anymore. It was then she grabbed my hand with what little force that she could and looked at me. That moment she passed on to the other side. I knew that she went with god. You never know what you have until its gone. The one true friend, the one that supported me the most and always uplifted me even when she was down. She know gained her angels wings on July 22, 2014 at 2:30pm. She was one of the strongest woman I have ever known. And she is truly my hero. Today I came home to see two doves in my mother bird cage. Nesting and making a home. Doves have a symbolism of Unbreakable Love. It was then I knew it was my mother telling me I love you little bird. And I am here everyday watching over you. She is so missed and I thank god that she is no longer in pain. Saying this last comment. who ever reads this story. Please remember that life is a gift. And its given by our God in heaven. He knows the day we are born and the day he wants us to go home. It was simply just her time. I love you. Mom Littlebird.